How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
