My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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