she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
