I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
