If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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