I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
