I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
