Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
