I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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