why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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