I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
