i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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