There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
