I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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