I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize