if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
