Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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