and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
