you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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