I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Randomize
