His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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