I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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