Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You took a bar mat shot.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
