Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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