My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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