So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
