I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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