Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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