Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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