im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize