where am i from again
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
