you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
and you fell through a lawn chair
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
