Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
