The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
