I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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