After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
And then he peed in my hair
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
