Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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