A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
