yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
