If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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