the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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