Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
