I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
