thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
