do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
