oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
