The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
