Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize