In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
