Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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