I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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