hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I want to have your abortion
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize