Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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