i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
