wanna go halves on a baby?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
