Your tits are I can't wait for
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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