how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
