you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
